Tough

Time ticks, Life goes on.
Life of mine is getting even much much tougher than before.
Or should I say? It's never been good since my Pre-U life started.
It's really suffocating to flash back myself.

Frankly, I'm different in school and I'm different in my living room.
AND I'm definitely different in my own room.
At school, people see me laughs, see my craziness and my smiles.
In living room, they see a daughter getting crazy if there's something funny in the TV. Laugh together.
In my very own room. Should I say  HELL  ??

It's been too much stuffs happening around these days.

STUDIES
They never get easy till now.
I'm just taking 5 subjects but I duno why the hell izit so hard for me??
Flashing back : I took 8 subjects in my secondary life. It's hasn't been so hard man.
Ekonomi teacher is racing like F1. Never reduce the speed but instead keep on racing.
Recently, she started to divided us into groups and asked us to present ourselves WITHOUT TEACHING at the VERY BEGINNING.
Tension increase fractually.
Whenever I read Eko, nothing being absorbed into my mind.
I know Imma badly idiot in Maths or shd I say countings.
I duno how to express fully here but........
When I see anything connected to Ekonomi, Im freaking down. Freaking lost. Freaking Numb.
I just don't know why. Perhaps, I'm scared of this.
But I did try to be friend with Mr Ekonomy.

Now, PA teacher of mine had went MEKAH.
Based from what I've known, he will be back after our 1st Sem's finals.
God damn it!! No teacher is here to guide us with the rest of our syallabus.
Dafuq??!

Next, MUET.
I actually had my MUET Speaking last Thursday.
As usual, Imma A.
So 1st group to start, perhaps White Mice too.
Bloody nervous as my sitting position is facing the crowds of my class.
and my question was
'Explain Why will you choose "How to improve the relationship between neighbours" to be the title of your workshop'
DAMN IT! I was like dafuq question this is!!
When its time to speak, i did speak but guess what??!!
I was focusing on "How to improve the relationship between neighbours".
Damn! Out of the topic!!
Come to task B, should be kinda like disscussion right?
Guess what, NONE of US spoke.
Because the other 3 are Malays, they were like looking at their papers.
How could I respond with members like this??
Took bout 5 mins, teacher got fed up.
Immediately chased us back to our seats.
What did I get? BAND 1.
Fully dissapointed !!

GEOGRAPHY
There are 20+ chapters to be covered.
I'm only at the 3rd chapter.
DEAD

ARTS
There are theories to be read.
But I hvn't touched them since we had so much folios to be done.
DEAD

Finals is getting nearer. I could only feel FEAR & TERROR. Im real dead.

FAMILY
Mom's condition sometimes seems to be allright but sometimes not really.
Even I'm d one driving only at 50 the fastest.
She is already freaking out.
But can't be blamed.
But mom, I'm not sleeping in the same room as u.
So, I dont even know whether u get to sleep well at night or not.
But surely, I wish with all my heart that u could sleep well every night.

FRIENDSHIP
Well, 'Mr & Mrs H' just broke up recently.
Both are friends of mine.
The lady is in the same class as I'm.
The guy is some kinda mutual close friend of mine.
Now they had broke up, the guy came to me.
Asking bout her recent life.
I don't mind to help.
Really. But I just hope those old histories would came back to me.
I really wished to help, trust me.

Frankly, friends of Pre-U of mine doesn't really acheived as what I expected.
I just feel like Imma invisible girl who just came in and interupt.
One of it, we were quite close last time but now, I felt we are already not.
Another one only share stuffs to the sky and the aunt.
What bout me? I'm always alone.
The reason why I could be so happy with them is not we are linked.
But its me, always the one asking 'What happened'? 'Who?' 'Why?'
These made me feel like I'm so damn freaking annoying.
I really miss my secondary life so muchhhhhhhhhhhh!
I will always have few of them who will share things with me.
Who will always let me know whats happening,
Who will always laughs and share secrets together.
Who really felt like i'm their real friend.
But now, in my Pre-U life, i felt nothing like this at all.
I'm not trying to say anything ya.
Just my own expression of feelings over here.
So if anyone of u see this.
Dont sad ya.
U are all still my good friends (:

SCHOOL
It's really has been like a hell to me.
Once I opened my eyes.
I really wish to close them back and not to be at school.
Sometime, when I'm awake.
I'm actually shivering.
I cant believe it but frankly I did.
It's really never like a school for me.
I couldn't feel the world 'school' in this school at all.

HEALTH
I have been suffering alot.
Headache
Giddyness
Gastric
They are just like marathons.
Unexpected.
Seek for doc?
Doc said ....etc......etc.......etc........etc........etc...
Given me meds, that's all.
I'm at real stress and tension stage till i cant sleep well at night.
I will automatically get awake at 3am daily.
And I will render for few mins or an hour only I got my sleep back.
Sometimes when I'm in my room I could out of the blue.
Even im just purely listening to songs, i cried too.
I felt the fear. But I really dono what stuffs am I fearing with?
I just simply feel the fear and whole body feel uneasy.
Like Headache Giddyness and Gastric will definitely stroke!
Based on my own observation, I guess I'm now belong to one of the patient now.

Life is real hard and tough for me right now.
Sometimes, I really wish to be fainted or even comma for just a few days so that I could at least dont have to think of anything. I really wish so. I know I'm crazy, but....well....
There's simply too much to write. But for now, I cant take it anymore. So, let's just stop here. Adios.